WHAT? MICHAEL JACKSON DIED?… how come no fucker told me?

•July 1, 2009 • 10 Comments

Can somebody please tell me why Michael Jackson is still Headline News?

Fuck me…you can throw a kid off a bridge these days and not get as much publicity.

The guy fucked up his life and died accordingly…end of story. Please.

Any other Aussies out there hooked on Masterchef? I  lurve Masterchef.

It has even inspired me to cook.  😉  Just this week I’ve made sticky date pudding and caramel sauce [ it was awesome] Lamb shanks [ Which Justine totaly fucking copied tonight]..but mine were nicer, baked rice pudding, homemade pizza blah blah blah other stuff too… cant remember ..I’ve been on the dreaded Fruit Tingles again.  🙂

And Poh you silly cow…who is going to choose soup over a Lamb Shank?..[Ok, I like potato and leek soup]…but I wouldn’t pick it over a shank.

I’ve come to the conclusion I can only dribble shit write when I’m half cut. Like all creative people.

The sticky date pudding was Awesome!!!!…and dam you Masterchef for me getting a touch ROUNDED.

Now I have to go on a bleh diet. Fuck that. I’ll do the Lemon detox and kick the kilo’s arse. Dont tell me how useless bad it is. I already know. I’ve done it before. For one whole month. One whole month of absoloutley nothing but the Beyonce fucking starvation diet. I have to say I got totally hooked on it. I literally had to force myself to eat again.

Unfortunatly for me I ended my fast one week before Christmas…so you can imagine the aftermath.

If I could fit it in my mouth it was getting in there. Women were SCARED I WOULD EAT THEIR CHILDREN….it was a fucking FRENZY, I tell you…and by the end of it I’d put back everything I’d lost, of course.[cos it’s a DETOX,not a diet..yeah right,whatever]  I’m not overweight now, but I”m getting a touch “curvy”…and on account of me having no self  love at all I dont do “curvey” to well. I know I should exercise and eat right and its all about calories in and energy out and crap blah blah blah but I’m really fucking lazy, HATE to move, exercise, a bit stupid. I have however, been promised an eliptical machine from JMM.

Yep. That made me feel Fucking Great!!!. So we’re at Rebel Sport yesterday and he’s like..

“Hey Shelly, get your fat arse up there on that machine and see if you like it, you heffer”

Alright, he didn’t say that but just offering to buy me one fucked my shit up. Because I’m missing my groove right now…Oh ok..I never had a groove….

Oh alright. He offered to buy me the stupid thing cos I asked for one awhile ago….and the exersise bike, thigh master, stepper,treadmill, skipping rope, fucking whatever are just SO FREAKING BORING!!!!!…I want to stab myself with a  Cadbury Flake….or just fucking eat it…and anyway..who really gives a toss?

On the Bubs front, the other day he fake- cried for three hours. I joke not. Three hours of tearless sobbing for no apparent reason whatsoever.

He was asked every question under the sun as to what may be bothering him [ to which he gave no answer..just cried]…so I finally cracked and exiled him to his bedroom.

Where he stayed for an hour [sleeping] then came out crying. Yep. Picked up right where he left off. When he’d chilled out a bit I went to put his tracksuit pants on him..and he started screaming and I’m like ” What the!!! whats wrong with you? what happened?”…To which he replied…

“You ATTACKED me”…

…..BASKET CASE!!!!!…. But I love him. He’s never boring. And then my bitch ,dragon Mother came over and I was telling her about it and she said…

“Are you sure he was awake?”…Which sounds like a really stupid question…..

Except his Mother [being me,of course]  used to sleep walk so badly when she was a toddler she had to visit a Child Psychologist.

Welcome to crazy town, people.

A VERY SHORT POST…more of a question,really, for women.

•June 29, 2009 • 11 Comments

Continue reading ‘A VERY SHORT POST…more of a question,really, for women.’

OK..I KNOW I BITCH ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME BUT DAMMIT WHY DO PEOPLE SUCK? [ not YOU people] I like you…all the OTHER ones.

•June 23, 2009 • 8 Comments

Not far from my house is a dual lane road which merges into one lane. Not only does this road turn into a single lane, but about 50 metres from “the merge” is a left hand turn into the local shops.

OH MY GOD! So much to compute! Can I handle it?..  😉

This situation plus PERTH DRIVERS [and possibly my roadrage] is how Bubs learnt to say “You stupid dickheads“.

Why is it that 99% of people in this city find it impossible to merge?

Oh!! I know why!  I’t because Perth drivers are fuckwits! [except for me…of course.]

You can see the fucking pure panic in their eyes…

Oh! OH SHIT!!!…Where have the double lanes gone? Oh my God! What the fuck do I do! The roads turning into ONE LANE and a car is RIGHT FUCKING next to me! Holy crap I think I’ll just SLAM on my brakes right here in the middle of the road and hope for the best!.

Some awesome person placed a rather large sign on the side of the road awhile back that read…

        LEARN TO MERGE

       CALL  1800 FUCKWIT  NOW

Some arsehole took it down after a couple of days. Probably some WANKER that cant merge.

I was going all “crazy woman” about it to JMM yesterday when he tells me this …

That very day he was coming up to said merge when  the girl driving the car next to him decided she’d put her foot down to get in front of him.

So she half succeeded…then changed her mind and SLAMMED her brakes on.

He had to swerve as not to hit her car and he went NUTS. He was eating a burger at the time. He wound his window down, screamed ” YOU STUPID FUCKING COW!!!” at her and threw his burger at her….which of course came straight back at him and splattered all over his windscreen.  🙂 

I found this hilarious…cos it happened to HIM and not ME.

I have realised I also suffer ” Shopping trolley rage”…or more to the point , rage at idiots that stand in the middle of the isle with their trolley and “little Johnny” while I stand there waiting patiently to get the fuck past while they repeat..

“Little Johnny hop out the lady’s way, come on…little johnny listen to Mummy..out the way – times it by abizillion.

Lady , grab Little Johnny by the arm and PHYSICALLY move him NOW before I run him over with my fucking trolley… I think I have a problem with HUMANS…

Something totally off topic. I finally caved and brought a clothes dryer. I know, I know I must be the last person on earth to own a dryer…blah blah.

So I get my first load out of the dryer and chuck it on my bed to fold and I’m all gleeful at the dry warm clothes till I notice a shitload of white grainy stuff falling out of said clothes, all over the bed and floor and I’m like what the fuck is that shit?..Till i realise its WASHING POWDER that Bubs has FILLED the dryer with…which I then made JMM vacuum.

Never a dull moment with this child. Anyone want to borrow him?

 

FLYING INTERSTATE FOR CHRISTMAS- or how to get fucked royally by VIRGIN-or QANTAS

•June 19, 2009 • 10 Comments

Because I am not getting fucked by JETSTAR…oh no. That will not happen.

JMM is off for a “reunion” with “The Boys” in a few weeks. To Melbourne.

When first I heard I said..”Go on your own. It’s to expensive”.

Then I thought..”NO fuckit I want to go” cos Neisha started talking about Daquari consumption..but when I said so I got the look. And then he said it. WE are to expensive to take.

Which really means..” Man, I just want to go get pissed with my buds for 3 days without worrying about you guys”….I shall hold my tongue…

Now JMM has decided he wants to spend Christian  Christmas in Swinebourne  oops..Smelbourne oops Melbourne.  😉

I say to him..”Where do you want to stay”…and he says….

“If you dont want to stay with my parents we will stay with my sister”…

Sure buddy… I’m going to go stay with your parents…even though I wasn’t allowed to step foot into your parents house for 4 fucking years. Four years of sucky fucked up shit christmases.

It appears, on account of me spitting out the first Grandchild your Father now “loves me”…

Dude..he met me for ten minutes. On the night we left to drive to Perth. He does not fucking know me.

Excuse my fucking sniggering…and kiss my arse. If I have to have a Christian Christmas, I’m sure as hell staying in a hotel. Even a little Gods a bit to much for me. We dont see eye to eye on a few things. Mainly the Bible.

Anyhoo…there is a reason for my dribbling.

I want to know why I can go to Singapore for $450 return…and have a fucking AWESOME time..

Yet to fly to Melboune for Christmas the Bloodsuckers of the air want to cop me around $280 ONE WAY!!!.

There are four of us going, people.

Thats right. Around $2240 [ maybe more] to go to fucking Melboune and back.

And Tourism Australia are all whinge bloody whinge about us Aussies preffering to travel overseas before traveling our own country… DOH

Not to mention the $180 a night the Monte Villa will scew us for when we get there.

[ Anyone planning a trip to Perth you can rent a WHOLE HOUSE  5 minutes from the beach for $650 a week, sleeps 6, starting price].

If we went now..$210 return. Fuck. Jet fuel must be so much more expensive at Christmas time. Profiteering  bastards.

I’ve tried to talk JMM into going now instead of Christmas. I mean who cares when we go?

Isn’t the whole point of the trip to catch up with your family? …and the fares would be half price.

And then I would have HEAPS more money to GO SHOPPING…and buy shoes…cos last count I only had 55 pairs.

A note for Melboune Tourism.

You guys really need to step up to the plate in ways of “Family accomodation”

Not all people that come to your state are carefree single fun loving fuckers without a care in the world.

Some of us are dragging pain in the arse energy sucking critters with us. We dont all want to stay in the city.

Or Werribee South caravan park…vomit.

Dont even get me started on the plane ride with Bubs.

The other day we were reversing from our driveway when Bubs noticed there was mail in the letter box.

And he went FUCKING POSTAL…no pun intended.

STOP  THE CAR THERE’S MAIL!!!! LETTERS!!! GET THEM GET THEM!!!….He was screaming his eyes out. We had to pull back into the drive and get the mail.

He was still crying…till I gave him a “letter”..at which point he shut up INSTANTLY…and read a chemist brouchre all the way to the shops.

I am NOT fucking sitting next to HIM on the plane.

Post script….Fruit Tingle consumption may have occured while writing this post.

My appologies for any non-sensical ramblings…and spelling errors.


SOWING THE SEEDS….

•June 11, 2009 • 8 Comments

When  I first noticed my friend doing it I at first thought it a little silly.

I  mean, she’s a grown woman. She is not a kid. She has kids, for fucks sake.

But then I got a little curious. Maybe I needed something to cut through the boredom.

Something different to the neverending “groundhog day”  feeling  that is my life.

Before I knew it, it had me in its grasp. Before I knew it I was an addict.

I started creeping away into the next room to use it, while Bubs was busy watching “Little Einstiens”…or some other crap.

It started  taking me from my family.

Mocking my commitments.

The more I got, the more I needed. It seemed I never had enough coin.

It’s  so expensive, This habit. Thats what it’s become.

A pathetic habit that I’m ashamed to admit to. I spend my waking moments wondering when I will do it again.

Four hours? Two days?..Three?

Then I did the unthinkable. I got a member of my family hooked too, and now she’s in even worse shape than I.

She’s even got her son hooked. Her SON!….There is no hope.

The only thing left to do now is accept it.

The only thing to do is realise the truth and step up to the plate.

I will not be ashamed anymore.

I will admit to my addiction.

        FARMTOWN   on Facebook.

Final confirmation that I REALLY need to get a fucking life.

On a different front, I must say I’m LOVING JMM’s reaction to Bubs singing nice and loudly….

  I WANNA TAKE A RIDE ON YOUR DISCO STICK…

You go Bubs. Mummy says you can ride on whatever the hell you want…  😉

 

THINGS THAT SUCK…..WITH CUTE SHIT AT THE END.

•May 31, 2009 • 8 Comments

The Duggars.

The Duggars suck cos who the fuck has 17 kids?..I mean really woman does your husband ever get the hell off you?

Listen up Duggars…GOD created SMART people…who became scientists!…they then created BIRTH CONTROL!.   If GOD didnot want such things to be invented, he would have made us all fucktards…like you.

Y’all should try some birth control!…or shove a cork up it or cut it off or something cos DA-AMM..17 KIDS.

Shitty restaurants SUCK…and they suck even more when the last time you got to go out with your man was to see BATMAN THE DARK NIGHT azillion years ago so you’re  REALLY looking forward to the evening and  you get to the resaurant and you order a ceasar salad cos your a creature of habit and you always order that and the waitress brings it to your table and its a BAG OF FUCKING MIXED LETTUCE..not COS..and cold greasey bacon and HARD BOILED CHOPPED UP EGG and fucking MAYONAISE and  JMM  I paid $16 for this shit and I ask for another Vodka Cruiser [when I really wanted a Friut Tingle but they didn’t know how to make one]  and she brings me a BACARDI BREEZER and I say…I wanted a VODKA CRUISER and the waitress says….

“In ENGLAND we dont have Vodka Cruisers..we drink Bacardi Breezers.We only have Bacardi Breezers, IN ENGLAND”…

and I crack my empty cruiser bottle over the side of the table and glass the dumb bitch

Well fuck off back to ENGLAND and get yourself one you usless twat.

and then for desert I order a Vanilla bean icecream rolled in chopped Nougart and the bitch  waitress brings me a fucking scoop of CHOCOLATE icecream rolled in NUTS……but I wont say anything cos WHAT IF THEY SPIT IN MY FOOD…

 

And I want to kill JMM cos as I said I’m a creature of habit and we always go to PORTAFINOS which is AWESOME but he was all like…”I want to try somewhere different”…well no more trying to be exciting for you mister.

FOXTEL SUCKS TOO…Foxtel you suck because you rip me off blind, yet you cant make a remote control that fucking WORKS…Foxtel spawn of satan shit.

My sucky parenting sucks…like when I leave my 20kg retriever[named Charlie]  inside with the bubs while I’m in the shower and when I get out the dogs retrieved every article of clothing it could get its teeth on, chewed up two hats, a picture off the fridge,four baby wipes and a packet of readymade icing  and the Bubs is jumping up and down on the lounge yelling ” Go Charlie go…Go Charlie go!”

And counting sucks.

Like when I start counting when I’m doing stuff, but only up to 7. Like climbing stairs…1234567..1234567..

Brushing my teeth..do the front..1234567…the left side…1234567.but I dont do this ALL the time. It’s a strange phenomenon…..

Cute stuff…

The other day Bubs was commanding the room, all wild hand gestures and stuff, telling me he is..

” Going to buy a horse…It will  be a small horse. It will  live in the house. It will be as big as a hamburger”…[extands hands about 20 cms]

His grammar has not been tidied up for your benefit. The child actually speaks like this.Cracks me up.

Last night JMM asked him what he wanted for dinner.

“Slime”…

JMM…”What flavour slime do you want”..

Child rolls eyes..”Slime doesn’t HAVE any flavour” …DOH…

Thats it. The sucky and the cute done.

 

 

HELP ME…..

•May 30, 2009 • 10 Comments

So my fucking  BLOGROLL’S  gone.

Vanished..

What did I do????

Nothing!

And I re-did it all today and….nothing!

Fuckingstupidfuckfuckfuckingthing

So any one know what happened?…cos I have no idea.

I barely know how to type….