WHAT? MICHAEL JACKSON DIED?… how come no fucker told me?

Can somebody please tell me why Michael Jackson is still Headline News?

Fuck me…you can throw a kid off a bridge these days and not get as much publicity.

The guy fucked up his life and died accordingly…end of story. Please.

Any other Aussies out there hooked on Masterchef? I  lurve Masterchef.

It has even inspired me to cook.  😉  Just this week I’ve made sticky date pudding and caramel sauce [ it was awesome] Lamb shanks [ Which Justine totaly fucking copied tonight]..but mine were nicer, baked rice pudding, homemade pizza blah blah blah other stuff too… cant remember ..I’ve been on the dreaded Fruit Tingles again.  🙂

And Poh you silly cow…who is going to choose soup over a Lamb Shank?..[Ok, I like potato and leek soup]…but I wouldn’t pick it over a shank.

I’ve come to the conclusion I can only dribble shit write when I’m half cut. Like all creative people.

The sticky date pudding was Awesome!!!!…and dam you Masterchef for me getting a touch ROUNDED.

Now I have to go on a bleh diet. Fuck that. I’ll do the Lemon detox and kick the kilo’s arse. Dont tell me how useless bad it is. I already know. I’ve done it before. For one whole month. One whole month of absoloutley nothing but the Beyonce fucking starvation diet. I have to say I got totally hooked on it. I literally had to force myself to eat again.

Unfortunatly for me I ended my fast one week before Christmas…so you can imagine the aftermath.

If I could fit it in my mouth it was getting in there. Women were SCARED I WOULD EAT THEIR CHILDREN….it was a fucking FRENZY, I tell you…and by the end of it I’d put back everything I’d lost, of course.[cos it’s a DETOX,not a diet..yeah right,whatever]  I’m not overweight now, but I”m getting a touch “curvy”…and on account of me having no self  love at all I dont do “curvey” to well. I know I should exercise and eat right and its all about calories in and energy out and crap blah blah blah but I’m really fucking lazy, HATE to move, exercise, a bit stupid. I have however, been promised an eliptical machine from JMM.

Yep. That made me feel Fucking Great!!!. So we’re at Rebel Sport yesterday and he’s like..

“Hey Shelly, get your fat arse up there on that machine and see if you like it, you heffer”

Alright, he didn’t say that but just offering to buy me one fucked my shit up. Because I’m missing my groove right now…Oh ok..I never had a groove….

Oh alright. He offered to buy me the stupid thing cos I asked for one awhile ago….and the exersise bike, thigh master, stepper,treadmill, skipping rope, fucking whatever are just SO FREAKING BORING!!!!!…I want to stab myself with a  Cadbury Flake….or just fucking eat it…and anyway..who really gives a toss?

On the Bubs front, the other day he fake- cried for three hours. I joke not. Three hours of tearless sobbing for no apparent reason whatsoever.

He was asked every question under the sun as to what may be bothering him [ to which he gave no answer..just cried]…so I finally cracked and exiled him to his bedroom.

Where he stayed for an hour [sleeping] then came out crying. Yep. Picked up right where he left off. When he’d chilled out a bit I went to put his tracksuit pants on him..and he started screaming and I’m like ” What the!!! whats wrong with you? what happened?”…To which he replied…

“You ATTACKED me”…

…..BASKET CASE!!!!!…. But I love him. He’s never boring. And then my bitch ,dragon Mother came over and I was telling her about it and she said…

“Are you sure he was awake?”…Which sounds like a really stupid question…..

Except his Mother [being me,of course]  used to sleep walk so badly when she was a toddler she had to visit a Child Psychologist.

Welcome to crazy town, people.


~ by shelly1971 on July 1, 2009.

10 Responses to “WHAT? MICHAEL JACKSON DIED?… how come no fucker told me?”

  1. ahahahha. so relating on the half-cut front… and the fatarse, I mean totally-just-coming-out-of-a-holiday-period front…. and the bubs front, (yay, cute and dysfunctional) but as I mentioned I am half cut and probably feeling clickily sentimental. tomorrow i`ll just feel sorry for you… on the bubs front… at least until the other drink adn d&m sesh with mother in law. til then…

  2. that was cluckily… god.. where`s me vino.

  3. my asshat ex in laws had me drag Lou to the psychologist when she was…………. 9ish to check that she wasn’t prodronal (displaying early signs on schizoprenia)

    Let us shoot all grandparents. Now.

    Yes. We are addicted to masterchef. It’s getting scary around our kitchen too.

    • My Mother has always thought I was crazy. She also likes to tell anyone that will listen ‘what a bitch of a child I was’. Bubs is EXACTLY like I was at his age. I think its a hoot. Lucky I dont “mother” in my Mothers image…and yeah, some Grandparents should just carck it, already.

  4. Another awesome read with more twists and turns than the Scooby Do ride at Movie World.
    You say you were HALF cut when you wrote this?

  5. Fuck, I laughed. Thanks for that.

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