YOU CAN TELL BY THIS POST THAT I HAVEN’T A FUCKING THING OF INTEREST TO SAY……

It must be said that moving to Melbourne tripped my shit out.

I am from a somewhat sleepy ” Wait awhile” city with a Government that is literally petrified of change. And sucks and shit. And is boring.

 

It is  a very asthetically pleasing city.[Just dont go into Northbridge after dark..you may be murdered].

If you are a tourist to my city, upon leaving our ridiculously miniscule airport you will notice an azure most probably cloud free sky, clean streets and an abundance of gum trees.

Cue Melbourne……….

 

When you exit Tullamarine you,well… how many shades of grey are there?

The night we arrived in Melbourne we had a welcoming party awaiting us at the airport.

All of JMMs mates. That kind of freaked my shit out on account of me not having any friends for eons and not having an idea of what these “sofisticated” city types would think of me..

And O.M.F.G!!!!! Why did someone not warn me about Werribee fucking Caravan Park! Two weeks we stayed there! TWO WEEKS…and JMM would be like ” Why dont you take J down to the beach while I’m at work tomorrow”…so I did and I was like Oh my fucking god!!!! this isnt a beach!!! Holy shit this is a sewer what the fuck is that dead fish doing floating past and why is the fucking water brown is that …SHIT?

JMMs mates “Sofisticated”..*snigger*[ Neisha will laugh at that one].

I shouldn’t have worried. I can honestly say JMMs mates are the best bunch of guys I think I’ve ever met.

Although I had spent the last 12 years of my life with a fucked up lunatic binge drinking junkie so I was easily impressed by the boys.

I remember the first time we had everyone over for a night of Daquaris and festivities. I was extremely nervous. My only adult experiences with crowds and alcohol always ended up with dickheads smashing up anything in sight, mayhem and/ or  carnage.

I kept my mouth shut and reminded myself that these were different people…and maybe the night may turn out to be fun.

That night turned into the now famous “Drunken water fight at 2 0clock in the morning in the dead of winter” party.

Imagine around twenty people so plastered they couldn’t feel the ice forming on their noses, shooting water guns and chucking buckets of water.

Guys climbing around on the second storey roof, trying to ambush some dude below.

JMM may have, at some point, answered the door to a very timid pizza delivery dude, while dressed in full Army camouflage gear and a utility belt full of a vast aray of knifes.

Twas the first of many mad nights of mayhem. It must be said that we tortured the street that we lived in….and may or may not have the street sign in our workshop at present.

It probably didn’t help any that two of our mates also lived on the same street.

One New Years Eve we drove up to Canberra and between about four of us spent  hundreds of dollars on fireworks…maybe elleventygazzillion dollars.

[While on the subject of Canberra, I found it hilarious that this city, our Capital, was at that time FULL of fireworks and PORN.]…and John Howard.

We had so many that the guys were lighting them one after another all night and we still had some left in the morning. [ Fireworks…not John Howard]

I have been told I had a good night. I have no recollection.  🙂

Jmm and I were watching telly one day when there was a knock at the door.

We go to answer. We can hear giggling from the bushes.We answer the door to find that the guys have carried JMMs little Honda Civic right up to the doorstep and left it there. Crazy laughter ensures…and we have to wait till they all feel like moving the fucking thing before we can leave the house.

The guys were also very protective over J.

He was having trouble with a bully. The kid was a real arsehole and things were getting so bad that J could barely leave our street.

Two of JMMs came across the bully one day and decided to take action.

Bully was told in no uncertain terms to leave J alone…and then shoved into a wheelie bin….and it worked.

I miss the  Subwoofer that Jmm had hooked up to a neon on the parcel shelf of our ford.

I dont miss the day I spent shitting myself  waiting for JMM to get home cos I couldn’t  get used to the fucking cold and our first gas bill together was $800.

I miss the crazy stuff  we all got up too. I really needed to get crazy.

The gangs all over the place now. Everyones ” grown up”

I may not have liked the city to much  but I sure do love the people I met…and the shopping.

On to different nonsense……

JMM gave J his job back. He was fired for two whole days. I pretty much panicked cos lets face it the kids not getting a job anywhere else so what the hell is he going to do?

I found weed in his shed [ and it was total shit, his dealer sucks]..so I tipped a half a jar of extra hot cayenne pepper into it and put it back where I found it.

Then I had images of  him dying  from asphyxiation so I got it and chucked it in the bin…and left him a little note in its place.  😉

JMM put an add in the paper to replace J this time. He had close to 40 calls. People willing to work for less than they are worth, even.

Times must be hard out there.

I must say the man has picked his game up in the helping around the house cos I’m a fucking invalid and shit.

Maybe he read my last post…or it may have something to do with me skitzing the fuck out on his arse yesterday cos all he was worried about was leaving my decrepid arse and  going to the gym.

So today he played Mr Mum and Cleaning lady and it was tre hilarious.

Much whining and complaining of tiredness and being “run off ones feet” and shit.

And many “O.M.G I just bloody cleaned that! Why do you make such a mess!” to Bubs.

HeeHeeehe…….victory is MINE.

And family … your all lucky I haven’t gone all “Stabbity Fuck” on your lazy arses.

 

 

 

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~ by shelly1971 on May 26, 2009.

10 Responses to “YOU CAN TELL BY THIS POST THAT I HAVEN’T A FUCKING THING OF INTEREST TO SAY……”

  1. Yay!
    The good word of Stabbity Fuck is spreading!

  2. Jesus, give a girl a little warning. some wee nearly came out.
    i’ve gotta know, it was sav & matty that put the bully in wheelie bin, wasn’t it ? (i hadn’t been told that story.) i wasn’t told about the car either..but the boys were talking about the water fight just the other night. Rumour has it that JMM is gracing us with his presence when belanji & brad come down? No doubt it shall be shennanigans at my house and YOU BETTER COME WITH HIM !

    • The wheelie bin was Damo and, of course, Matty. lol And I would like to come over, though I dont know if I am permitted to. When I said I wanted to come I got the “stare”. Well he can kiss my arse…

  3. Wheelie bin down New South Head Road. Wheelie bin contained some crazed out ‘of Middle Eastern appearance’ fuckwit that followed my sister home from a club. Heh, all was good. The neighbours received a new wheelie bin within days. 🙂

    And the ‘stabbity fuck’ love grows. The Mistress rocks.

  4. Werribee Caravan Park? You won’t really find too many black wearing, late sipping, Melbourne lefty types out there, though the people are pretty genuine (says this Melbourne westy).

    I would love to have found out what affect the cheyenne pepper had! I love your methods.

    • I hate to say it but alot of people over this way are very “boganish’..not that there’s anything wrong with that. lol. It was nice to live in a city for awhile where the majority of men didn’t run around in uggies, wife beaters and flannos and drink beer out of longnecks wrapped in brown paper bags. O.M.G!!! What the fuck am I doing back here? I so would have loved to followed through with the cayenne pepper…but I woosed out 🙂

  5. LOL tell JMM i’ll put the brakes on the entire ‘catch up’ event if you aren’t invited. I’M inviting you and my opinion overrules his…and any of the others for that matter.

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