ODE to Nadine…..you suck…and your stupid…and I bet your dogs suck too
I took my fat arsed Golden Retriever Charlie to Nadines pet shop the other day to have her fitted for one of those ‘Sporn’ Nose Halter thingys on account of Charlie being an absolute fucker to walk.
I hate Nadine. Nadine is a dumb, know- it- all fucker.
I’d love to punch Nadine in the throat…and laugh about it.
We go to Nadines pet shop because this is, unfortunately where we purchased the fat arsed dog from, and for some bizarro reason we feel compelled to keep going back.
Having a conversation with Nadine makes me want to sacrifice myself to a Mountain Lion, rather than hear her shrill fucking Know-it-all fucker voice droning on and on…and on.
On this day in question, the ‘Sporn’ fitting day, I was already off to a shit start.
It took ten minutes to get the dog into my car. She doesn’t like the car. I tried to lift her in. Bit by fat body part by bit.
I was wearing my standard issue weekend attire of Black on Black.
It was an awesome backdrop for the fat dogs Blonde fur.
We drive to the pet shop. The whole way I listen to a running comentary by Bubs on the position of ‘Dog Slime’..it’s on the front of the chair,the back, his arm,the carpet fucking everywhere, apparently.
We get to the pet shop. We enter. Dog and child go crazy. I pretend they are not mine.
Then I do something stupid. I ask Nadine a question. Yes. I actually encourage her to speak to me. I am really that stupid.
I ask Nadine if the dog is getting fat.
She asks what I feed her, I say Eukanuba, she says its impossible for the dog to get fat while only eating Eukanuba. Nadine tells me the dog looks great.
She tells me the dog is out of control and needs to see a trainer.
I tell her shes been through training, with someone recomended by her.
She tells me the dog is awesome and just going through a stage.
She looks at the inside of my dogs ears and says they are red and this means the dog has an allergy to beef. Nadine says most dogs are allergic to beef.
I tell Nadine Eukanuba has beef in it, so whats up with that shit?
Nadine just stares at me cos she cant think of a comeback cos shes a fucker.
She puts the harness on Charlie and gives me a demo and it works a treat and I say I’ll take it and she says great. And she takes the dog out to the car for me.
Charlie wont get in, of course.
Nadine tells me i’ts because she has sore hips, from jumping…and also cos my dog is fat. Yep. Now the dog is fat.
I tell Nadine the dogs never jumped up, or on, anything in her life. I’m not a fucking moron. I know about Hip Dysplasia.
Nadine tells me the dog wont get in the car because she is traumatised.
I want to tell nadine the only one here that is traumatised is me. Traumatised by her fuckwitedness.
I tell Nadine that the trainer she recomended to us agreed that Charlie’s personality was not “normal” for a retriever. She was shy, and spooked easily.
This has been rectified by much love from us and heaps of yelling and screaming from the bubs.
I tell Nadine that if the dog was traumatised it was because she is a fuckhead and buys her puppys from puppy farms in the Eastern states.
They get ripped from their siblings, shoved in a crate and shipped over here on a big, loud,scary plane.
Then they get dumped into a glass cage where Mothers let their little fucking crettin kids amuse themselves by bashing on the glass and screeching at them all day long.
As I say this, I’m thinking about shoving Nadine in a glass box and screeching at her all day long.
It makes me chuckle to myself.
You suck, Nadine. I’m not coming to your pet shop anymore. You’ll never see my dogs fat arse again.
Also, I must mention that I kinda like JMM again on account of him buying me an AWESOME pair of MAGENTA sequined Chuck Taylors whilst he was in Melbourne….and yes I am that shallow and spoilt.
I would post photo’s, but cant remember how to do it. I piss myself off.